Hey, is that thing on? Okay, I see the light blinking. Fresh batteries, right? Make sure you get it all down now, because donâ€™t think youâ€™re calling me back for a second round because your batteries died. Oh, and I want a copyâ€”not that I donâ€™t trust you, but still. Just for reference. Donâ€™t send it to me, send it to my agent. She takes fifteen percent, she might as well do something once in a while.
Listen, let me just say firstâ€”itâ€™s not easy being famous. Thatâ€™s the truth, and donâ€™t ever let anyone tell you different. Itâ€™s hard work. It is! I can tell you donâ€™t believe me. I mean, sure, the money is great. The attention, yeah. Hell yeah. The parties, the limos, private jets, the people who want to throw themselves at you just because youâ€™re you and theyâ€™re not. Yeah, itâ€™s all great. But sometimes it gets to be a little much, you know? Thatâ€™s when rehab comes in handy.
Thatâ€™s right, I said handy. Because I donâ€™t have a problem, right? I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM. Anyone says I do, Iâ€™ll sue their ass off. Well, my lawyers will. No joke. Sure, I like to have a drink now and then, maybe do a little [unintelligible] with the backstage crewâ€”hey, Iâ€™m not an elitist, right? Iâ€™m not superior. Iâ€™m a friendly guy. But no, right now Iâ€™m just in for a little rest and relaxation. Mental health, you know? I checked myself in, you can ask the head nurseâ€”doctor, what the [expletive] ever. Itâ€™s the paparazzi, man, they can really grind you down. Have you ever had to get out of a limo, onto the red carpet, surrounded by screaming morons and cameras popping flashes in your face? Thatâ€™s just the worst, you have no idea. I mean [expletive] hell. Walk a mile in my Pradas, baby.
I heard Charlie Sheen comes here. I forget who told me that. Not that Iâ€™ve ever seen him here, donâ€™t say I have! Like I need his fists of fury or tigerâ€™s blood or whatever the hell coming after me. Iâ€™d hate to have to give him your name and address, just to get him off my back. Oh, man! Hey, look over there. No, over there. Yeah. Is that Dakota Fanning? Do you think? Or is she just short? I remember Kathy Griffin doing that bit about Dakota being in rehab when she was, what, nine? Funny as hell, I laughed my ass off, and Iâ€™m not so sure it was just a joke, if you know what Iâ€™m saying. Do not quote me, thatâ€™s off the record. Hey, this is all off the record, right? It had [expletive] well better be. I mean, I know you know who I amâ€”who doesnâ€™t? Haha. But you canâ€™t use my name when you publish this. And you’ll blur the photos or something, right? My lawyers would be all over you so fast, haha. And Iâ€™m so not joking. Kathy, sheâ€™s a comedian, thatâ€™s fine. You, though, youâ€™re not funnyâ€”you I can sue. Allegedly! Hahaha.
They let us bring our own clothes, you knowâ€”hey, itâ€™s not like weâ€™re in prison or something. Thatâ€™s why I look so good. Believe me, you wouldnâ€™t have a photographer here if I didnâ€™t know I looked good. Nobody looks good in an orange jumpsuit. Not that Iâ€™m vain. I mean, Iâ€™m not stupid, I know Iâ€™m attractive, looking good is part of the job. But I also know how lucky I amâ€”everyone canâ€™t have a gym at home, personal trainer, four hours a day to work on the body, private chef, all that. Right? Like the song says, girl you know itâ€™s true. The food hereâ€™s pretty good, too, although itâ€™s definitely not Spago. Ah, no, most definitely not. Iâ€™ll probably put on a few pounds while Iâ€™m here, thereâ€™s way too much starch going on. Somebody in the kitchenâ€™s in love with carbs, I swear. I mean, mac ‘n’ cheese, really? I like mac ‘n’ cheese, who doesn’t? But seriously. Fiber, I need more fiber. Everybody needs more fiber. You probably need more fiber. I mean, look at you, right?
Thank God thereâ€™s swimming here, at least I can get some exercise. I canâ€™t believe they allow ocean swimming, thoughâ€”a guy could just swim on out, no need to sneak past the front desk. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. I mean, I know weâ€™re nowhere near civilizationâ€”I think the closest In ‘n’ Out is like 30 miles away, but still. Bastards won’t let me have any sunscreen, though, go figure. What the hell? Sunscreen. I ask you, why? So I can get skin cancer? Like SPF 50 is something they need to worry about. What am I supposed to do when I go home with farmer’s tan? How the [expletive] am I supposed to explain that to Marty? I really don’t think that’s what production completion bonds are for. You can’t makeup that, it’s not like a tattoo, for [expletive] sake. Ink is nothing, that One Tree Hill kid has giant initials on his arm and they have to cover it every time he rolls up his sleeves. What if I peel?
Hey, you didnâ€™t bring any sunscreen, did you? Crap. You didnâ€™t sneak any cigarettes in, did you? How about a cell phone? No? Nothing? Check your pockets. Check ALL your pockets. Fine, whatever.
They did let me bring my dog this time, though. That wasnâ€™t easy, believe me. I did have to pitch a fit, but heyâ€”heâ€™s just a puppy, he canâ€™t be alone right now! Heâ€™s bonding with me, or some [unintelligible] like that. I could board him, sure, God knows I can afford it, it’s only like, what, $140 a day, but what kind of parent would that make me? Crappy, thatâ€™s what kind. Thatâ€™s so not me. Somebody else, maybe. Some other guy, sure, but not me.
[apparent break in recording, duration unknown]
But the sense of humor here is seriously strange. I mean, itâ€™s supposed to be all calm and Zen and whatever, but if you ask me itâ€™s just whacked out. â€œLove Shackâ€, are you kidding? Yeah, thatâ€™s my cabin. Cabana, whatever. It’s private, but donâ€™t get any ideas. I mean, youâ€™re fine and all, I would if you would, but thatâ€™s just notâ€¦no. Not whatsoever, under any circumstances, itâ€™s in the contract we all signed. Apparently they feel the need to formalize. Not even conjugal visits, not that Iâ€™m married. Yes, they do in fact kick you out for that, and when you get kicked out here you go someplace that Iâ€™m sure is a lot less fun. Anyway, Iâ€™m sure they have cameras, and the last thing I need is a [unintelligible] video up on the internet. If only there was a way to make one now, while Iâ€™m at my best, in my physical prime so to speak, but keep it million percent private. And then make sure it gets â€œaccidentally releasedâ€ by, you know, a vindictive ex when Iâ€™m old, like 40 or 45. Man, thatâ€™s the way to do it! â€œGod, he was so [expletive] hot back then.â€ Why, yes, thank you. Yes, I was. Am. Whatever.
[apparent break in recording, duration unknown]
You know, sometimes it all just seems so shallow. I mean, Iâ€™m in demand, sure, Iâ€™m the flavor of the month or whatever, I’ve got like a bazillion dollars in the bank, but itâ€™s like everybody just wants me to be smokinâ€™ hot up on screen. Which I am, of course, but they donâ€™t care if I can act. They donâ€™t care if I can emote. They don’t care if anyone can connect to me. Nobody wants me for serious roles, I guess Iâ€™m too pretty. They just want me for a big opening weekend, to take my shirt off in the trailer, put asses in the seats, $14 a pop. And then itâ€™s straight to DVD, because the movies are all crap. Who am I, [expletive] McConaughey? How is that acting? Nobody gets an Oscar for taking his shirt off! Okay, Brad Pitt, maybe. MAYBE. Although probably not these daysâ€”heâ€™s over forty, right? I thought so. Heâ€™s no Redford, heâ€™d better watch out. He may be the old dog, but Iâ€™ve got some new tricks.
But man, I think sometimes maybe I should have listened to my agentâ€”no, not her, not the one you met, the one before, the one I fired. The one who said I should have stuck it out doing Shakespeare in the park. [unintelligible] What a [expletive] drag. But maybe I should have, right? Itâ€™s like nobody takes me seriously as an actor. Nobody cares about my craft. And I have a craft! Iâ€™m a serious actor. I can do serious. I can do emotion. Go on, tell me a sad story. [unintelligible] No, really sad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? Oh wow. Yeah. Yes! There, see that? See that? Thatâ€™s a single perfect tear. Beat that, Colin Farrell!
[apparent break in recording, duration unknown]
â€”and to that I say, But what about me? Iâ€™m a person, too, dammit! Not just a pretty face. Not just a piece of meat. I want somebody to love me for ME. Will that ever happen? I worry that it wonâ€™t. I can have a different beautiful girl in my bedâ€”or, hell, a different boyâ€”in my bed every night of the world. I never have to be alone, but sometimes Iâ€™m still lonely. Iâ€™m afraid that in the end Iâ€™ll die alone. Rich and famous, right, but still alone. How sad is that? Pretty [expletive] sad, thatâ€™sâ€”
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â€œMr. Xâ€ is wearing:
“Fox” skin and shape by thebodyco Resident. This is one of my favorite newer skins, beautiful and naturally detailed. The model-pretty shape is included. Facial and body hair options are sold separately. L$1500 at The Body Co. (The Mall 144, 97, 29. The other currently available male skins (â€œAshâ€, â€œBlazeâ€ and â€œHunterâ€) are also very nice, but â€œFoxâ€ is my personal favorite.
â€œOwenâ€ hairstyle by Kavar Cleanslate. I canâ€™t say enough about Kavarâ€™s great hair designs. This one is beautifully groomed, with a look that’s natural rather than salon-styled, but not windswept. L$250 at Exile (Covet 173, 39, 28).
Sunburn skin enhancements by Riq Graves. These are too much fun for words. The set includes a selection of different sunburns, including tank,Â tee and raccoon-eyes, on both clothing and tattoo layers. Tintable, so you can adjust the ouch level. You need a set. Â You do. Â L$200 at Reek (Reek 114, 58, 322).
Deep V-Neck/Semi Transparent shirt by Diarmuid Miklos. Who says only the ladies get to wear something slinky?Â Sexy and sheer, with fine detailing and clean edges. Wear it neatly tucked or asymmetrically untucked. Â Skin-tight, of course. L$89 each in six colors, L$399 for all, at Ispachi (ISPACHI 201, 104, 21).
Edah Shorts by Ajay Giano. Sure, theyâ€™re â€œjust shortsâ€, but theyâ€™re good-looking and well designed. The soft, comfortable fabric texture suits me. L$200 a pair in eight colors at Zoobong (Millions 115, 182, 24), or L$950 for the fat pack.
Brady Swim Shorts, also by Ajay Giano. Bright and tropical for a long, hot summer. The string tie isnâ€™t sculpted, but it is flexi. L$175 each in seven different bright, summery colors at Zoobong (Millions 115, 182, 24).
Sport Sandals by Roderica Resident. The first and so far only release from new brand Luthier, and quite impressive. I am assured that other designs are in the works. Priced at L$280 a pair, or buy a pack of six colors for just L$480. Currently available only on SL Marketplace.
Cowry Shell Necklace by Lunette Kyomoon. One of my favorite recent findsâ€”beautifully detailed, with realistically sculpted and textured shells and semiprecious beads. Iâ€™ll be wearing this all summer. L$99 at Tempest Moon Designs (The Tangled Arbor 93, 52, 24). Transferable, so you can give one as a gift!
Running Sunglasses by Kakerun Twine. I’veÂ worn these before, but Iâ€™m liking their sleek design so much Iâ€™ve barely taken them off. You can tweak frame and lens color, glow, shine and transparency, or flip them from nose to head or back again, all by touch menu. L$250 at Strange Beasts (kowloon 218, 134, 30).
Trinity tattoo by Joey Williamson. Iâ€™ve had this for ages, and I still love it. Sold as a texture, which you use to make your own garment-layer tattoos. No longer available, near as I can tell, although you can find other tattoo designs by Joey on SL Marketplace.
Beach Sandals by Yukirei Greene. Scripted for a variety of fun, casual textures. Sadly, no longer available.
â€œMr. Xâ€ also enjoys:
Tiki beach towels by Siggy Romulus. Subtly sculpted with natural rumples, so they donâ€™t just look like cardboard on the ground. Use the touch menu to choose from five different relaxing poses, all animated with natural-motion transitions. L$50 each in five colors (or L$200 for the pack) at WaterWorks (WaterWorks 180, 26, 25). Also consider Siggyâ€™s The Swimmer 2.0 HUD, for realistic swimming in SL water or PrimSwim-scripted prim water (a â€œliteâ€ version of the PrimSwim script is included for your use). Easy to use, with great-looking, realistic swim animations. L$400, also at WaterWorks.
Corgi puppy by testors Luik. Still the best virtual pet Iâ€™ve found, and Iâ€™ve tried a fewâ€”the scripted behavior is natural,Â amusing and cute (it is a puppy, after all), but not overly so. Unfortunately the Corgi puppy is no longer being sold, but a variety of other animals are still available, including a good-looking Husky dog. Drop by AIF Pets (Spinolds Flat 145, 180, 58) and see for yourself.